Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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