I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
