So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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