yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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