This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
