so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
