Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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