I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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