It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
