peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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