dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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