I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
