Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
