Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
