Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
