i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
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