i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm way too hungover for life right now
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
