Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
