You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I think i got beer on your cat.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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