I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
