Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
