Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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