I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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