Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
