yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize