The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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