new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
