my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize