fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
