I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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