i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
