I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
