Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
