how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
