The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
