see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I have aggressive nipples.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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