my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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