Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
