3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
