maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i will never coherently bang her
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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