the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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