I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
