well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Houston, we have a blender
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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