I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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