I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
being pregnant is like rehab
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
