I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
