I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
