yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
