I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
