Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I wish they made helmets for livers.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
