Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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