just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
