My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
