my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
