I love black thongs
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize