Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
