News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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