happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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