the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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