my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
