just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
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