And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
we made out on top of his cat.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
